In the UK for an IT Conference II

Sequels usually don’t turn out well, but people still buy them in hope, and it’s usually an opportunity to sell one good movie for the price of two… so I can oblige (especially since it is by popular demand)… Here goes:

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There is something off about Karen, and I finally put my finger on it. It’s her voice. Although I don’t doubt that she’s been in the UK for 3-4 years having finished her Masters and halfway through ACCA classes, her voice sounds like some Nne in Aba trying to sell me a pair of jeans. Not impressive. Because you people were wondering about her I’d decided to call her, and I did last night. Got her voice mail, so sent her a text and she called me back soon afterwards. We just talked about this and that… I have a growing list of hangouts with friends this coming weekend before I get back, so we’ll have to see if Ms. K makes that list. If I get to see her, I’ll jibe her about her voice, for her own good.

I’m meeting very interesting people. We’re also all warming up to one another and that’s great. I had several interactions with Dave (Canada) today. He’s in my group, and our friendship started after he nominated me to make a presentation on behalf of our group during the training sessions. I seemed to impress him and we got it going since. He used to work undercover with the Canadian police and said one of the feathers to his cap back in Canada was the capture of a notorious Nigerian Nna drug pusher I’ll just call Sam. He’d walked up to Sam and asked to buy heroine. Sam was initially suspicious but soon started dishing out the powder. At a point Sam beamed and said “I’m the man. I knew from the start that you were an OK guy. I can smell a cop from far away”. The daft idiot apparently had lost his sense of smell without knowing it, as he was arrested a few days later.

Wilhelm is from Germany, and used to work with the Secret Service (spent 18 years in the Middle East), and then the United Nations before joining the company. Hans is from Holland and he loves Africa; spends every possible holiday in Tanzania, Gambia, Ghana, etc. I told him to try Calabar, but with family! Ed was invited to train us and he is presently Top Security guy for a major multinational. He’s American and used to work with the FBI. He seemed a bit lofty but I accepted his card. He’s into cyber crime so we talked a bit about Yahoo! Boys.

Ji Hwa (Korean) is another member of my group. She’s very petite but loves Guinness Stout. She carries the glass (more like a jug) with a lot of passion and drinks it like tea. She is a “great woman”. I asked her what her favourite meal was. I can’t remember what she called it (it sounded like merci beaucoup) but it comprises spiced octopus and vegetables. I’ve managed to stay away since.

Feeding has been OK. I can eat anything and all the veal and lamb and apricots have been nice, actually. We had a lovely barbeque on a beautiful lawn this evening. Stefan the Bulgarian is the youngest at 26 and I’m next. Everybody else is over thirty, mostly in their 50s. Stefan confided in me yesterday that he hated the food (that was when a waitress laid the starter in front of us: slices of French bread and olive oil). He said his favourite meal was meat balls (and he insisted that it wasn’t with spaghetti). One more thing… Apparently, Bulgarians nod when they mean no, and shake their heads when they mean yes. I think that’s wrong but that’s how it is. That probably explains why we beat them in USA ’94.

I’m having a bit of a challenge catching on as per the drinking but I’m surviving. We drink before, during and after every meal, except for breakfast. I’ve found my niche with red/white wine (goes well with the meaty stuff actually) as well as Jack Daniels (with Orange Juice). I visit the coke dispenser often (the 1.5l coke is wasting away, I’m afraid) to balance things up. And then there’s my favourite Irish Cream on Ice!

Oh and there’s the multi-Coffee dispenser (it dispenses Café du Lait, Cappuccino, Expresso, Hot chocolate, etc. etc.). At first, I stared at it for about five minutes before moving closer and then my IT skills went to work. I put my cup under the tap and stared at the 7-or-so buttons. Picked Cappuccino, and pressed the button. The thing hummed, shuddered and started filling my cup. Now a small puzzle: was it my responsibility or the dispenser’s to know when the cup was full? By this time the brewed tea was getting to the brim and still dripping in fast. I looked behind me and someone was waiting, so I panicked and pressed the flashing Cappuccino button again. I shouldn’t have… Thankfully the dispenser didn’t take it that I wanted another cup. They won’t kill me in this place.

Don’t expect a Part 3!

In the UK for an IT Conference I

I had to write something about how today went...

I arrived at Heathrow and it took 40 minutes to find my baggage. Was beginning to think of a Plan B, whatever that might be. My new friend was amused at my concern (Karen - from Edo; 4yrs in UK; Masters in Accounting; on her ACCA; refused to confirm her age but looked 16; returning from holiday - had walked up to me at the MMIA and asked if we could tag along together for the long plane trip. She didn't look like she was carrying drugs or WMD so I smiled and said I wouldn't mind. You'd make the same decision if you saw her. Fortunately the seat next to her on the plane was vacant so...). A Moroccan picked me up from the airport (he'd been in UK for 10 years) and dropped me off at the Horsley Court, Surrey.

Everything was soooo orderly it was boring (the only expectedly wierd thing so far was cars driving on the wrong side of the road... have to get used to that). My room was ready and lovely. There's an HDTV and an iPod docket. I have a connection directly to the company network from my room. A sign in the convenience explained that the toilet was designed to accept toilet paper. Duh. They have a great gym, jogging trails, internet access with free printing... it's said in the guide that they have a five-a-side football pitch!! I'll check that out for sure. I might just get a chance at nicking Premiership. Another sign apologised that the swimming pool was out of order because of the incessant rains, but if I wanted they could call me a cab to take me to the nearest pool, for free. God save the Queen!

All that was good. I needed to cut my nails, so I walked through the entire Court and found nowhere that sold anything. I asked the receptionist and she said I could find a supermarket somewhere down the road. Ten minutes' walk. I found a supermarket a boringly exact 10 minutes later but they sold only Indian food. I bought a 1.5l coke. I decided to walk the other way (about 20 minutes) and found a Total filling station. I bought a couple of biscuits for good measure. Then I approached the sales clerk and asked if they had a nailcutter. He said no. Blade? He gave me a suspicious look. I promptly paid for the biscuits and fled. I spent the remaining 10 minutes of my walk biting my nails off. I entered Horsley Court and chanced upon a Coke-Fanta-Schweppes dispenser... all I had to do was take a cup and press the lever. And it was free. I looked at my 1.5l coke in despair. £1,50 of ignorance.

Drinks and dinner at 7pm. I had my bath, dressed casually as the course demanded and walked downstairs. I met Chev (the Organiser, a she! I had a different picture in my mind) and she asked me what I wanted to drink. I panicked. What do I drink?! I looked at the nearest bottle (couldn't tell what the label said at the time) and pointed at it. It happened to be a 275ml vol. Becks. I pretended to like it. In fact, I pretended that I drank Becks everyday. We all got introduced, about 20 delegates from all over. The names didn't work for me, so I'll just use country names. Mr. Australia (OK, that's Brian) spent 13 hours getting in. Mr. Japan never took alcohol before in his life. I never experienced snow (all this was conversation) before in my life. There was Singapore, Viet Nam, South Korea, Finland, ... Frank M (my Global IT Security Manager - was a Spurs fan so we got into a bit of an argument. I begged him not to tell Nick Proctor - Group Head of Security, Spurs fan also, in attendance - that I was a Gunner). We talked sports for a while. I felt a bit carefree. The Becks helped. Then Sir. Segun O, a colleague from the office, walked in and I wanted to hug and kiss him. He was here on another course and would probably still be around after I'd left. He exchanged room numbers and he left with his own Marketing friends. Whoopie!

I made a mistake in choosing who to sit with for dinner. Nick "Spurs"and friends. Friends being other IT Security top guns, our trainers. Gareth to my left likes deep sea diving and enjoys the company of sharks. Rudi opposite me says his girlfriend just got him a sky/ bungee jumping kit (someone asked if everything was OK between them). Nick says he's trying to find something exhilarating to do. I thought about my life and couldn't think up anything riskier I'd done recently than ride on an Okada. Then we talked about Security and EHS and our IT Services Company, etc. etc. We had a three-course dinner and some red wine. The main course I chose was lamb with potato squash and slices of boiled pawpaw (that's what I'd call it). Tasted nice (I'd have enjoyed it more with a bit more salt, but I decided to stay away from the mysterious looking salt shaker), but I still thank God for those biscuits I bought.

I chatted with a few more geeks after dinner but soon decided to turn in. It was almost 10pm but it looked more like 6pm. I passed Segun on a round table having a drink with his Marketing friends, mostly female. He was saying something about Congo DR... for crying out loud. What had he been drinking?